The Wonder of Childbirth
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wonder - noun
a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.
A moment after giving birth on my living room floor, my baby was put on my chest and I experienced pure wonder.
Surprise
How could it possibly be? Twenty three hours of labor, discomfort, two hours of pushing, the most intense pain I've ever felt, and all of it, in that single moment, erased by the presence of this perfect child. I felt no more pain. I felt surprise.
Here is this baby whom I already know so well from our nine months together and yet I'm meeting him for the first time.
His eyes looking into mine, I am surprised by the strength of my love.
Surprised at how my body seems to naturally just know how to hold him, how to feed him, how to care for him.
Surprised that despite every physical reason to be deathly exhausted, I cannot sleep. Not in an anxious or panicked way, but a serene enjoyment of the feeling of his skin against mine.
Admiration
The love. Nobody could have prepared me for this kind of love.
I love every wrinkle in his smooshy face. I love his tiny little hands. I love his voice as he coos from the satisfaction of having just been fed.
I love HIM. I am excited to spend the rest of my life with him. Learn about him. Help him.
The wild part is that without words, he makes it clear to me that the feeling is mutual. His eyes say it all. He looks at me and I sense the strength of his love for me.
Something beautiful
Although he is wrinkly and splotchy, and unbathed as of yet, he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
His short hair plastered to his slightly elongated head, alien-shaped from the ordeal of being pushed out of my body, I see nothing but perfection.
Something unexpected
How could it be unexpected? We've been together for nine months. I've come to know and love his kicks and wiggles and yet, until he made his entrance into this world, I truly had no idea what to expect.
I had read tons of blogs, watched videos, talked with other mamas. So much information, but none of it could have prepared me fully for this day.
The intensity of labor is hard to put into words, fully.
The intensity of the bliss and love and purpose and connection afterward - there simply aren't words that come close to expressing this feeling.
I honestly didn't expect the strength and the range of feelings, both physical and emotional, that this day would bring.
Even more unexpected? I would do it again, in a heartbeat.
Something unfamiliar
I'm a mother now.
This is new.
And I know I haven't realized, fully, the breadth of what that means.
The first moments are amazing, and I am excited for everything that follows.
The newborn phase is overwhelming, but I know I'll figure it out. He'll grow, I'll learn, and then we'll take on the next phase of life.
There are many unknowns, but I'm looking forward to figuring them out together.
Something inexplicable
I tried to put this feeling into words, but it truly is hard to explain. Words don't do it justice, but I hope I at least came close.
It's a privilege and a joy to be able to create life. It's miraculous and frightening and tumultuous and serene.
It's a chaotic mix of the full range of human emotion and experience.
It's something truly wonderful.